They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
