Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
