I have demons in me.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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