maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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