I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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