After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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