I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
