I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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