I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
