We're facebook friends in real life
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
