i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
