Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
