Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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