I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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