Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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