Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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