I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
