I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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