Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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