I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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