I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
