i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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