I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
