just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
