I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
