So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
