I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
