so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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