My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
