I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
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I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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