I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
