I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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