Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
