Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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