she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
