man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
