im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you made out with another girl for some wings
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
