i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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