ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
