tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
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Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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