I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
