Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
