you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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