i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
