these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
