in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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