I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
