I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
