Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize