I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
