i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
