I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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