If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize