All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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