Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
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i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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