Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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