You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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